Dream, though your beginnings might be humble, may the end be prosperous.
short intro
Amalina, otherwise known asLulu. A female with Peterpan complex.
Still failing at life but YOLO.
(爱) books, fanfictions, shoujo manga, drama, band music, acoustic songs, FTISLAND, BTS, ideas of soulmate and parallel universe & cats.
yosh,よろしく ᶘ ᵒᴥᵒᶅ
the past
Arigatou
Template was made by Miichiko.
Thanks to Pixel-diary for the cute pixels and icons. Lyric Quotes: Agust D, So Far Away.
Just in time with this one article published in The New York Times. Anyway, I've came back from our road trip to Perak, more accurately, Taiping and Ipoh. Spent a night in Taiping and the rest in Ipoh for 2 nights.
This might be the last trip before everything gets busy, I guess? Who knows.
Anyway we went to the recommended places there and tried local food too.
So now I have to find ways to shed off the 3kg I gained from this trip. Huk. Since last year, I trained myself to eat a meal per day. There were certain occasions that I might find myself cheating, but it was worse in Ipoh. I ate like 3-5 meals per day, so there's no wonder I gained so much after a few days. Hahah but no regrets. My tummy is satisfied. I need to sweat everything out before my convo ceremony. Might as well start yoga again.
This blog will turn 10 in few months. 10 years. Wow.
I wrote but I never intended to reach out for people. I was writing usually and mostly for myself.
It was one of a good platform to express myself. I could never do that on instagram or twitter; everything was phony there.
But here, since it would take a little bit of effort for people to reach here (well, who else did blogging these days), I find it very comfortable to write anything like I could talk about my fears, worries, complaints, dreams etc.
I like how I could look back and find out what's the younger me was thinking (tho it was cringey most of the time). It's a time capsule, metaphorically.
Well.
Lately I was feeling old. I don't usually felt this way because I am always young at heart.
Maybe because I am nearer to 30 than my 20. You get what I mean? If we round off 26, we get 30. Like hell, I should be a responsible adult at this age but I am nowhere near adulting right now. Most of my friends had already settled down. They have stable career, starting their own family and all and I am still here, not much changes since the time I left high school. Although I know we all lead a different life but still I can't help comparing our lives. The only thing I could reassure myself is that my life is barely starting yet. It will get better.
First month of 2018 passed by easily like that. I didn't do much and most of the times I felt empty. Like I was made of hollow shell and there's no soul inside. There's no excitement. Sometimes I felt like maybe it was my fault. Maybe I made a wrong choice, maybe I should just proceed with the placement because people are kept telling me that I did wrong and until one time, I, myself felt like I was wrong. Tho I was quite firm on my decision at first.
But I was done playing safe. I did for all these years. For once I want to stick with my decision, I wanted to try at least so I won't be drowning myself with 'what if' later on. This is my life, I wanted to walk my own path, I know all of these people are much more experienced in life but I really want to try to live my life my own way. I want to dream big. I don't want to compromise anymore.
" I must leave. Not to find my way,
but to hold myself back a moment
from continuing down the wrong one."
Blonote, 2016
I still don't know what will happen in near future. I just hope I retain my sanity and find happiness along the way.
(solanin)
// additional story:
Last time I went to Kinokuniya for new books. I met A. Samad Said, which is the well-respected poet and novelist in Malaysia. He was beside me when I was still browsing. It was usually very difficult for me to recognize people but he is one of a kind, he has distinct style and you can recognize him straight away. I wanted to say hello but I was kinda shy and I don't want to interrupt his personal space. And if I did say hello, I don't know what should I talk. Like, "Hello. I am your fan." I would be lying because I don't really read his work. I think if I do say hello, I might started like this;
'He saw a dead crow in a drain near the post office....'
Because that's the only work of him that I know and I still remembered because we had to memorize that poem in secondary school. But I know he is a great man in his field. I like this one quote from him which roughly translates to;
"If you want to be a writer,
first, you need to read,
second, you need to read,
third, read
fourth, read
and fifth, you write."
Maybe I should read some of his work in the future.
I thought it's going to be a good start in 2018 but I guess life somehow finds its way to throw the lemon to me. Anyhow I was frustrated and everything. I even contemplated to just pick a random place to start my prp training. But I don't want to make a rash decision. This is going to take for about two years period of time and I don't want to regret and be depressed within that two years. I don't want to just choose for the sake of completing my prp.
I want to be able to do what I want to do and I want to learn what I want to learn.
I have goals and I want to achieve those goals.
So it may takes time and I might start later compared to my other friends, but I guess....it's okay? for now.
Time is just a concept after all. (am trying to reassure myself because if not I might start crying again damn)
I am collecting my courage to send resume for part time jobs. It was a tough decision because staying at home seems like a good idea for now because once I started my career, there would be no time like this anymore. I did everything I couldn't do much while I was studying. I read books, I learnt new things (coughgreekgodsandgoddessescough), fangirling, sleep and wake up early, meeting friends bla bla. But the con is I need money so yeah you get the gist of the story.
Earlier last week my provisional registered pharmacist no. came thru the mail. As for now, I completed the application to work as pharmacist in government sector but there's no placement yet so I have to wait until god knows when.
Hopefully it would be fast enough so I could start my career as pharmacist and eventually reaching my next goal; which is to be a specialized pharmacist in psychiatric (this is a 10 years ahead plan because I need to further my master degree but yeah I putting my goals in writing here).
This is scary. I might sending my resume tomorrow. pray for me. (damn u adulting urghhh)
I remembered telling myself that I would like to go for a trip that involves flight. and yes people, after 25 years of waiting (lol), I finally on board. It was a friendship trip cum a graduation trip for me. Went with my soul partner, Sue.
We planned for Bandung→Jogjakarta→Surabaya→Bawean Island→Surabaya for total of 10 days (8th Aug till 18th Aug). Transportation included 2 hours flight to Bandung from KL, 9 hours train trip to Jogjakarta, 8 hours train trip to Surabaya and 4 hours boat trip to and fro Bawean and 4 hours flight back to KL from Surabaya.
I could say it was also a rediscovery trip. We learnt a lot of things especially about each other like our strengths and weaknesses but I could proudly say that I am glad she is my friend after all. Everybody is not perfect but we still accept each other the way we are and I am grateful for that. You don't know how nervous I was in the beginning of the trip, I was grateful she was there to reassure me and guided me throughout the journey.
We knew each other since we were like 8 and we've been for each other since then.
Thank you, friend. I hope this friendship is forever. I love you ❤
I am finally graduating after 4 years of battles and suffering. Time felt like rapidly flies but a lot of things happened in 4 years span. I am broken and wounded but I made it out alive. As far as I know, I went through storms and came out as a different person. The better version of me. Well, not that much, but at least I tried.
When I was in my first year, I made a goal to wear that pink sash (read: Vice Chancellor Award) again. I had the chance to wear it during my diploma convocation, so I vowed to relive that moment again. That was before I knew the hardships I had to go through.
In the first year, during the time when your future seems so bleak and you still having very hard time to adapt to new surroundings, subjects and all pressure are thrown to you in every direction, I remembered I talked to one of my housemates, Hajar. It was after the pharmacy practice lab. We finished late in the evening. Usually we took a bus up to our dorm because we were so drained after lab and we didn’t have energy to go up the stairs.
At the bus stop, while waiting for the bus, I reflected and questioned myself, if this is the right path for me? What if I am not meant to be here? I contemplated about that a lot. I told Hajar, I really want to be able to wear that pink sash again but I don’t know it seems impossible at that moment. Tbh, I don’t remember what Hajar told me but I guess it’s a ‘you can do it’ thingy or something motivational, typical of Hajar. But I am thankful for that moment because it was then when I set my goal.
4 years on, through thick and thin, I am proud to say that I stayed true to my goal. I will be graduating with Vice Chancellor Award. I might be able to wear that pink sash again during my convocation. Well only if I could make a time to attend (but pls I want to attend). Plus I am graduating with the highest CGPA among our batch (tho it was a little bit embarrasing since mine was not that high compared to prev batches). But I am thankful for that. Thank you to everyone who helped to make this happened.
I thank all my housemates too. For all the efforts and memories we spent together. I will only kept the good ones and forget all the bad ones. Thank you to my close friends whom I kept bombarded with insecured and anxious messages but still make time to reply with encouragements. Lecturers, thanks for everything and sorry I skipped or slept in your classes. My Final Year Project supervisor, thanks because of you I learnt new things, chemoinformatics? Woww. You are my girl crush, did you know that? You are very cool and I strived to be like you in the future. Wish me luck.
So, afterall, “The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it is possible.” (Alice in Wonderland)
Signing off my life as a bachelor student.
2013-2017. Cheers.
"What do I need to know about you at this point? Tengo asked.
"What do you know about me?" Aomame asked in return.
"Almost nothing," Tengo said.
"I know almost nothing about you, too," Aomame said.
..... "Don't worry. We're on the same side."
- 1Q84, Haruki Murakami.
You know that kind of emptiness feelings when you finally finished reading a book?
You just stared blankly for a good few minutes, tried to absorb everything.
Well, I finished 1Q84, like finally. I like the idea of parallel worlds and soulmates.
This is out of topic but I just realized something and it made me speechless.
I should quote this scene from Wuthering Heights: "And if you flatter yourself that I don't perceive it, you are a fool;..."
I saw what you did. What I meant to say is it didn't have to be this way. Let's be professional at least.
Don't flatter yourself, boy. You are not special.
I love myself too much. And I know I am more special than you. You are not comparable to me.(insert smirk here)
I might have been too focused on myself sometimes I forget everyone around me might also be struggling on their own. I don't know if they ever read this but no matter where you guys are and what you do, I hope God will protect you guys. Be strong and remember I love you even though I might not show it.
So, what did I even do suddenly I am 25 this year. my youth that rapidly fleeting away and it scares me (I need to go to Neverland so where are you Peter Pan). The concept of time, occasionally baffled me. when you try so hard to live day by day and at some point you realized you are old. time flies so fast I don't even remember what significant things that happened this past few years and it's freaking me out. Well yknow, youth supposed to be the things we were gonna remembered for the rest of our life but to think that I did not do much, really scares me.
Is this the effect those bangtan sonyeondan guys rubbed on me? they always talk about that hwayang yeonhwa concept, of the most beautiful moments in life and you pondered whether you had ever reach that hwayang yeonhwa of your own? I wrecked my brain and I found some pieces that might be fews of my hwayang yeonhwa. but is it enough? I pondered some more.
when I was a child, I thought I am special and I could change the world and my existence is important and I was born to do something impactful but as I grew older and those confidence seems to be buried and I realized what an ordinary and uninteresting person I am. Following the flows, we had lost our uniqueness and individuality because we need to be something that society approved. At times you tried to rebel because you wanted to stay true to who you are, you know now matter how you hard you try to be those ideal person the society wanted you to be, it is not you- it's just a mask you put so you could survived.
In my case I always battled with my introverted self because how much the society treasures extrovert. I tried many things, in hope that I can magically change into an extrovert but of course it's never easy. Because introvert is my nature and I cannot change it. I came to accept myself but I'm still trying my best. I hope one day the society realizes that being an introvert is not a weakness and these people had their own strengths too. Introverts are needed just as much as extroverts.
Well just because I am not good in talking doesn't mean I am a failure (yeah I am so bitter over this matter-people look down on me just for this. You know the typical complains of higher cgpa students cannot performed bla bla bla...)
I just want to say one thing: 너나 잘해.
there's so many things I want to express and I should take this chances to write everything. after all I don't really update here frequently and I want to archive my thoughts at this moment.
cue bgm:
Maybe I can never fly, like those flower petals there.
Wings, like other things are impossible.
Maybe I can't touch the sky, but even so I want to stretch out my hand,
I want to try to run, just a little more ♪ ♫
This is the first post of 2017.
One semester left before I graduated in Bachelor of Pharmacy and what will happen after graduation with all those PRP placement, interview, housemanship and bla..bla...I will put the worries aside first. I will worry about it when the time comes. I really wanted to focus on my last semester. the last semester as bachelor student. wow.
I tried looking if there are chances for me to pursue master degree and it's not that I really put my mind to pursue but I just want to look out for other path that I might taken. Sir Fauzi asked if students are interested to pursue master in clinical pharmacy and later will serve as lecturers. well I rejected that offer. First of all, I never imagined myself as a lecturer. Second, I do not want to pursue master in pharmacy, but who knows.
I thought maybe it's about time I pursue my true dream if I wanted to do master. I don't know if I ever talked to someone about my dream. I wanted to study psychology. Heck I even willing to study for diploma (it took me 3 years) because I thought I wanted to pursue degree in psychology when I could do foundation or matrik (for one year). but fate played me- upu rejected my application to study psychology and I had to wait for another year if I want to stick with my original plan. I decided I cannot wait anymore ( I should have waited, damn you lulu) and therefore here I am studying pharmacy.
yeah that's another path that I might taken in the future - master degree in psychology.
but of course my first choice would always be working. yeah work work work, I need money. As the eldest I have the responsibility of being a bread winner for my family. my father is a retiree now.
okay, that's the serious part of my thoughts these days. now move on to the not-so-important parts.
I am on my semester break right now. It is the last semester break and I thought I wanted to go for graduation trip but I don't have that luxury. but I should put it in my wishing list for this 2017- to go for a trip that involves flight. I am 25 and I never been on flight. yeah cry for me. though I am more to couch potato kind of people, I decided I need to go somewhere, anywhere this year on flight.
quite envious with people who went somewhere on this break. but at least I have those bangtan sonyeondan guys to accompany me. they are my motivation to stay awake this holiday. I am seriously falling in love haaaaaah~ although they kept reminding me of how old I am (no it's not them, it was me who had the sudden realization at times). all these young boys, how can someone not loving them. min yoongi min suga yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah noona love youuuuuu hearteu hearteu ♥♥
and their songs are very good I cry all days. I really like how most of their songs inspired me to work hard while living, yknow with the youth concepts and all and their love songs are cute. I don't need boyfriend let me pour all my loves to these boys hahah (forced laugh).
and after all those chaos of completing final year project, community and industry attachments last year, finally I could relax quite a bit and continue reading Murakami's 1Q84. I started this book (it is a trilogy in one book) on 2015 and I could only resumed it at the end of 2016. Imagined how busy I was last year and yet I couldn't really remembered anything. so this year I started a project where I wrote down all the good significant things happened to me so by the end of this year I will be reminded of the things I did throughout the year.
I think 2017 is going to be a good year for me (hopefully).
quite a few good things happened- I lost a few kgs yayyyyyy though not much but I could fit all my old clothes and it is such a wonderful feelings yknow (cry a river).
We got new kittens so our home is quite joyful right now (and in chaotic mode because they all are naughty kittens hahahah they even chewed my earphone but still so lovable and precious).
I passed the Qualifying Exam for Practicing Pharmacy and I had an interview with Lembaga Farmasi with a few other students of my batch in the beginning of the year and I was complimented for having a mature thinking (although I beg to differ. me, mature? pfttttt).
and heyyy, it's FT Island's 10th anniversary soon - time flies so fast, I was 15 when I first knew them.
and....I think I need to stop. I was distracted by BTS's Spring Day MV teaser. min sugaaaaaaaaa urghhh looks so cute while brushing teeth. Tell you what, min suga is my animal spirit except I don't have his continuous sassiness and good look. but yeahhh I love this kid.
because I need a constant reminder to maintain my motivation momentum. spot min suga in there.
let's all hope for a good year this year. byeeeee.
It's been so long and I am here to report this week will be the final week of lecture for the third year and this Friday, there will be poster presentation for my final year project. wish me luck.
wehooooo, the draft for le poster.
Thesis almost done, fortunately. I would like to give the greatest thanks to my supervisor for the constant reminders to start writing the thesis. Without all the fears and worries, I may still be procrastinating till the dateline. hah.
Final exam starts next week on Thursday and not ounce of preparation has been done yet. I am so doomed but I'll survive this.
"The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it is possible." - Alice Through The Looking Glass.
Third year is almost done. Looking forward to the clinical year (read: 4th and last).
what I feel while studying cognosy.
all those chemical structure, they are very lot to know. the name of those compounds, their structures themselves, the common name of plants, their scientific names, the clinical uses.
yet I don't make enough effort to know them better, when all these are actually important, well maybe not now but in future.
it's the first paper for this semester. it's killing me slowly but I am still strong. I still have time. let's do the best, self.
when so many people put their trust and hope in you, why it is still very hard to believe in yourself?
Just in time with this one article published in The New York Times. Anyway, I've came back from our road trip to Perak, more accurately, Taiping and Ipoh. Spent a night in Taiping and the rest in Ipoh for 2 nights.
This might be the last trip before everything gets busy, I guess? Who knows.
Anyway we went to the recommended places there and tried local food too.
So now I have to find ways to shed off the 3kg I gained from this trip. Huk. Since last year, I trained myself to eat a meal per day. There were certain occasions that I might find myself cheating, but it was worse in Ipoh. I ate like 3-5 meals per day, so there's no wonder I gained so much after a few days. Hahah but no regrets. My tummy is satisfied. I need to sweat everything out before my convo ceremony. Might as well start yoga again.
This blog will turn 10 in few months. 10 years. Wow.
I wrote but I never intended to reach out for people. I was writing usually and mostly for myself.
It was one of a good platform to express myself. I could never do that on instagram or twitter; everything was phony there.
But here, since it would take a little bit of effort for people to reach here (well, who else did blogging these days), I find it very comfortable to write anything like I could talk about my fears, worries, complaints, dreams etc.
I like how I could look back and find out what's the younger me was thinking (tho it was cringey most of the time). It's a time capsule, metaphorically.
Well.
Lately I was feeling old. I don't usually felt this way because I am always young at heart.
Maybe because I am nearer to 30 than my 20. You get what I mean? If we round off 26, we get 30. Like hell, I should be a responsible adult at this age but I am nowhere near adulting right now. Most of my friends had already settled down. They have stable career, starting their own family and all and I am still here, not much changes since the time I left high school. Although I know we all lead a different life but still I can't help comparing our lives. The only thing I could reassure myself is that my life is barely starting yet. It will get better.
First month of 2018 passed by easily like that. I didn't do much and most of the times I felt empty. Like I was made of hollow shell and there's no soul inside. There's no excitement. Sometimes I felt like maybe it was my fault. Maybe I made a wrong choice, maybe I should just proceed with the placement because people are kept telling me that I did wrong and until one time, I, myself felt like I was wrong. Tho I was quite firm on my decision at first.
But I was done playing safe. I did for all these years. For once I want to stick with my decision, I wanted to try at least so I won't be drowning myself with 'what if' later on. This is my life, I wanted to walk my own path, I know all of these people are much more experienced in life but I really want to try to live my life my own way. I want to dream big. I don't want to compromise anymore.
" I must leave. Not to find my way,
but to hold myself back a moment
from continuing down the wrong one."
Blonote, 2016
I still don't know what will happen in near future. I just hope I retain my sanity and find happiness along the way.
(solanin)
// additional story:
Last time I went to Kinokuniya for new books. I met A. Samad Said, which is the well-respected poet and novelist in Malaysia. He was beside me when I was still browsing. It was usually very difficult for me to recognize people but he is one of a kind, he has distinct style and you can recognize him straight away. I wanted to say hello but I was kinda shy and I don't want to interrupt his personal space. And if I did say hello, I don't know what should I talk. Like, "Hello. I am your fan." I would be lying because I don't really read his work. I think if I do say hello, I might started like this;
'He saw a dead crow in a drain near the post office....'
Because that's the only work of him that I know and I still remembered because we had to memorize that poem in secondary school. But I know he is a great man in his field. I like this one quote from him which roughly translates to;
"If you want to be a writer,
first, you need to read,
second, you need to read,
third, read
fourth, read
and fifth, you write."
Maybe I should read some of his work in the future.
I thought it's going to be a good start in 2018 but I guess life somehow finds its way to throw the lemon to me. Anyhow I was frustrated and everything. I even contemplated to just pick a random place to start my prp training. But I don't want to make a rash decision. This is going to take for about two years period of time and I don't want to regret and be depressed within that two years. I don't want to just choose for the sake of completing my prp.
I want to be able to do what I want to do and I want to learn what I want to learn.
I have goals and I want to achieve those goals.
So it may takes time and I might start later compared to my other friends, but I guess....it's okay? for now.
Time is just a concept after all. (am trying to reassure myself because if not I might start crying again damn)
I am collecting my courage to send resume for part time jobs. It was a tough decision because staying at home seems like a good idea for now because once I started my career, there would be no time like this anymore. I did everything I couldn't do much while I was studying. I read books, I learnt new things (coughgreekgodsandgoddessescough), fangirling, sleep and wake up early, meeting friends bla bla. But the con is I need money so yeah you get the gist of the story.
Earlier last week my provisional registered pharmacist no. came thru the mail. As for now, I completed the application to work as pharmacist in government sector but there's no placement yet so I have to wait until god knows when.
Hopefully it would be fast enough so I could start my career as pharmacist and eventually reaching my next goal; which is to be a specialized pharmacist in psychiatric (this is a 10 years ahead plan because I need to further my master degree but yeah I putting my goals in writing here).
This is scary. I might sending my resume tomorrow. pray for me. (damn u adulting urghhh)
I remembered telling myself that I would like to go for a trip that involves flight. and yes people, after 25 years of waiting (lol), I finally on board. It was a friendship trip cum a graduation trip for me. Went with my soul partner, Sue.
We planned for Bandung→Jogjakarta→Surabaya→Bawean Island→Surabaya for total of 10 days (8th Aug till 18th Aug). Transportation included 2 hours flight to Bandung from KL, 9 hours train trip to Jogjakarta, 8 hours train trip to Surabaya and 4 hours boat trip to and fro Bawean and 4 hours flight back to KL from Surabaya.
I could say it was also a rediscovery trip. We learnt a lot of things especially about each other like our strengths and weaknesses but I could proudly say that I am glad she is my friend after all. Everybody is not perfect but we still accept each other the way we are and I am grateful for that. You don't know how nervous I was in the beginning of the trip, I was grateful she was there to reassure me and guided me throughout the journey.
We knew each other since we were like 8 and we've been for each other since then.
Thank you, friend. I hope this friendship is forever. I love you ❤
I am finally graduating after 4 years of battles and suffering. Time felt like rapidly flies but a lot of things happened in 4 years span. I am broken and wounded but I made it out alive. As far as I know, I went through storms and came out as a different person. The better version of me. Well, not that much, but at least I tried.
When I was in my first year, I made a goal to wear that pink sash (read: Vice Chancellor Award) again. I had the chance to wear it during my diploma convocation, so I vowed to relive that moment again. That was before I knew the hardships I had to go through.
In the first year, during the time when your future seems so bleak and you still having very hard time to adapt to new surroundings, subjects and all pressure are thrown to you in every direction, I remembered I talked to one of my housemates, Hajar. It was after the pharmacy practice lab. We finished late in the evening. Usually we took a bus up to our dorm because we were so drained after lab and we didn’t have energy to go up the stairs.
At the bus stop, while waiting for the bus, I reflected and questioned myself, if this is the right path for me? What if I am not meant to be here? I contemplated about that a lot. I told Hajar, I really want to be able to wear that pink sash again but I don’t know it seems impossible at that moment. Tbh, I don’t remember what Hajar told me but I guess it’s a ‘you can do it’ thingy or something motivational, typical of Hajar. But I am thankful for that moment because it was then when I set my goal.
4 years on, through thick and thin, I am proud to say that I stayed true to my goal. I will be graduating with Vice Chancellor Award. I might be able to wear that pink sash again during my convocation. Well only if I could make a time to attend (but pls I want to attend). Plus I am graduating with the highest CGPA among our batch (tho it was a little bit embarrasing since mine was not that high compared to prev batches). But I am thankful for that. Thank you to everyone who helped to make this happened.
I thank all my housemates too. For all the efforts and memories we spent together. I will only kept the good ones and forget all the bad ones. Thank you to my close friends whom I kept bombarded with insecured and anxious messages but still make time to reply with encouragements. Lecturers, thanks for everything and sorry I skipped or slept in your classes. My Final Year Project supervisor, thanks because of you I learnt new things, chemoinformatics? Woww. You are my girl crush, did you know that? You are very cool and I strived to be like you in the future. Wish me luck.
So, afterall, “The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it is possible.” (Alice in Wonderland)
Signing off my life as a bachelor student.
2013-2017. Cheers.
"What do I need to know about you at this point? Tengo asked.
"What do you know about me?" Aomame asked in return.
"Almost nothing," Tengo said.
"I know almost nothing about you, too," Aomame said.
..... "Don't worry. We're on the same side."
- 1Q84, Haruki Murakami.
You know that kind of emptiness feelings when you finally finished reading a book?
You just stared blankly for a good few minutes, tried to absorb everything.
Well, I finished 1Q84, like finally. I like the idea of parallel worlds and soulmates.
This is out of topic but I just realized something and it made me speechless.
I should quote this scene from Wuthering Heights: "And if you flatter yourself that I don't perceive it, you are a fool;..."
I saw what you did. What I meant to say is it didn't have to be this way. Let's be professional at least.
Don't flatter yourself, boy. You are not special.
I love myself too much. And I know I am more special than you. You are not comparable to me.(insert smirk here)
I might have been too focused on myself sometimes I forget everyone around me might also be struggling on their own. I don't know if they ever read this but no matter where you guys are and what you do, I hope God will protect you guys. Be strong and remember I love you even though I might not show it.
So, what did I even do suddenly I am 25 this year. my youth that rapidly fleeting away and it scares me (I need to go to Neverland so where are you Peter Pan). The concept of time, occasionally baffled me. when you try so hard to live day by day and at some point you realized you are old. time flies so fast I don't even remember what significant things that happened this past few years and it's freaking me out. Well yknow, youth supposed to be the things we were gonna remembered for the rest of our life but to think that I did not do much, really scares me.
Is this the effect those bangtan sonyeondan guys rubbed on me? they always talk about that hwayang yeonhwa concept, of the most beautiful moments in life and you pondered whether you had ever reach that hwayang yeonhwa of your own? I wrecked my brain and I found some pieces that might be fews of my hwayang yeonhwa. but is it enough? I pondered some more.
when I was a child, I thought I am special and I could change the world and my existence is important and I was born to do something impactful but as I grew older and those confidence seems to be buried and I realized what an ordinary and uninteresting person I am. Following the flows, we had lost our uniqueness and individuality because we need to be something that society approved. At times you tried to rebel because you wanted to stay true to who you are, you know now matter how you hard you try to be those ideal person the society wanted you to be, it is not you- it's just a mask you put so you could survived.
In my case I always battled with my introverted self because how much the society treasures extrovert. I tried many things, in hope that I can magically change into an extrovert but of course it's never easy. Because introvert is my nature and I cannot change it. I came to accept myself but I'm still trying my best. I hope one day the society realizes that being an introvert is not a weakness and these people had their own strengths too. Introverts are needed just as much as extroverts.
Well just because I am not good in talking doesn't mean I am a failure (yeah I am so bitter over this matter-people look down on me just for this. You know the typical complains of higher cgpa students cannot performed bla bla bla...)
I just want to say one thing: 너나 잘해.
there's so many things I want to express and I should take this chances to write everything. after all I don't really update here frequently and I want to archive my thoughts at this moment.
cue bgm:
Maybe I can never fly, like those flower petals there.
Wings, like other things are impossible.
Maybe I can't touch the sky, but even so I want to stretch out my hand,
I want to try to run, just a little more ♪ ♫
This is the first post of 2017.
One semester left before I graduated in Bachelor of Pharmacy and what will happen after graduation with all those PRP placement, interview, housemanship and bla..bla...I will put the worries aside first. I will worry about it when the time comes. I really wanted to focus on my last semester. the last semester as bachelor student. wow.
I tried looking if there are chances for me to pursue master degree and it's not that I really put my mind to pursue but I just want to look out for other path that I might taken. Sir Fauzi asked if students are interested to pursue master in clinical pharmacy and later will serve as lecturers. well I rejected that offer. First of all, I never imagined myself as a lecturer. Second, I do not want to pursue master in pharmacy, but who knows.
I thought maybe it's about time I pursue my true dream if I wanted to do master. I don't know if I ever talked to someone about my dream. I wanted to study psychology. Heck I even willing to study for diploma (it took me 3 years) because I thought I wanted to pursue degree in psychology when I could do foundation or matrik (for one year). but fate played me- upu rejected my application to study psychology and I had to wait for another year if I want to stick with my original plan. I decided I cannot wait anymore ( I should have waited, damn you lulu) and therefore here I am studying pharmacy.
yeah that's another path that I might taken in the future - master degree in psychology.
but of course my first choice would always be working. yeah work work work, I need money. As the eldest I have the responsibility of being a bread winner for my family. my father is a retiree now.
okay, that's the serious part of my thoughts these days. now move on to the not-so-important parts.
I am on my semester break right now. It is the last semester break and I thought I wanted to go for graduation trip but I don't have that luxury. but I should put it in my wishing list for this 2017- to go for a trip that involves flight. I am 25 and I never been on flight. yeah cry for me. though I am more to couch potato kind of people, I decided I need to go somewhere, anywhere this year on flight.
quite envious with people who went somewhere on this break. but at least I have those bangtan sonyeondan guys to accompany me. they are my motivation to stay awake this holiday. I am seriously falling in love haaaaaah~ although they kept reminding me of how old I am (no it's not them, it was me who had the sudden realization at times). all these young boys, how can someone not loving them. min yoongi min suga yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah noona love youuuuuu hearteu hearteu ♥♥
and their songs are very good I cry all days. I really like how most of their songs inspired me to work hard while living, yknow with the youth concepts and all and their love songs are cute. I don't need boyfriend let me pour all my loves to these boys hahah (forced laugh).
and after all those chaos of completing final year project, community and industry attachments last year, finally I could relax quite a bit and continue reading Murakami's 1Q84. I started this book (it is a trilogy in one book) on 2015 and I could only resumed it at the end of 2016. Imagined how busy I was last year and yet I couldn't really remembered anything. so this year I started a project where I wrote down all the good significant things happened to me so by the end of this year I will be reminded of the things I did throughout the year.
I think 2017 is going to be a good year for me (hopefully).
quite a few good things happened- I lost a few kgs yayyyyyy though not much but I could fit all my old clothes and it is such a wonderful feelings yknow (cry a river).
We got new kittens so our home is quite joyful right now (and in chaotic mode because they all are naughty kittens hahahah they even chewed my earphone but still so lovable and precious).
I passed the Qualifying Exam for Practicing Pharmacy and I had an interview with Lembaga Farmasi with a few other students of my batch in the beginning of the year and I was complimented for having a mature thinking (although I beg to differ. me, mature? pfttttt).
and heyyy, it's FT Island's 10th anniversary soon - time flies so fast, I was 15 when I first knew them.
and....I think I need to stop. I was distracted by BTS's Spring Day MV teaser. min sugaaaaaaaaa urghhh looks so cute while brushing teeth. Tell you what, min suga is my animal spirit except I don't have his continuous sassiness and good look. but yeahhh I love this kid.
because I need a constant reminder to maintain my motivation momentum. spot min suga in there.
let's all hope for a good year this year. byeeeee.
It's been so long and I am here to report this week will be the final week of lecture for the third year and this Friday, there will be poster presentation for my final year project. wish me luck.
wehooooo, the draft for le poster.
Thesis almost done, fortunately. I would like to give the greatest thanks to my supervisor for the constant reminders to start writing the thesis. Without all the fears and worries, I may still be procrastinating till the dateline. hah.
Final exam starts next week on Thursday and not ounce of preparation has been done yet. I am so doomed but I'll survive this.
"The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it is possible." - Alice Through The Looking Glass.
Third year is almost done. Looking forward to the clinical year (read: 4th and last).
what I feel while studying cognosy.
all those chemical structure, they are very lot to know. the name of those compounds, their structures themselves, the common name of plants, their scientific names, the clinical uses.
yet I don't make enough effort to know them better, when all these are actually important, well maybe not now but in future.
it's the first paper for this semester. it's killing me slowly but I am still strong. I still have time. let's do the best, self.
when so many people put their trust and hope in you, why it is still very hard to believe in yourself?
• Born in 1992. Live in KL, Malaysia for all my life yet.
• The name Amalina came from Arabic word which means hope. The actual epitome of "I am your hope, I am your angel." (lol hobi)
• My nickname Lulu came from a cartoon that I used to like called The Little Lulu Show. And it was partly because there're so many people with the same name in my class back then, so we all came with some sort of nicknames. and I stuck with the name Lulu till very now.
• My internet pseudonym is lulumichin.
• I was a twin but my twin brother died before we were born. I am the eldest but not the first child. I had an older brother but he died early.
• I am neither a good or bad person. I might be a good to some and bad to another. But whatever.
•When I don't smile, I have resting bitch face. I tried my best to be smiley every time.
• I have one sided cheek dimple and also chin dimple (or butt chin).
• Tbh, I am usually kind and I try to think good about people. It is just I am shy towards stranger. But don't make me hate you, I'll hate you forever.
• Myers-Briggs type: INFP
• I don't talk much. A person close to me once said this; "We are okay because we knew you, but what do you do with people who don't?" I used to think a lot but these days I don't care anymore. Those who matter didn't mind, those who mind didn't matter (Dr Seuss).
• A clumsy realist. A walking irony. An introvert.
• I love FT ISLAND and my favourite is the bassist, Jaejin. These days I am a laid back fan (and old). I like their songs, they are awesome. They accompany me in most of my life. They are like an old friend, so comfortable, feel like home.
• BTS stan. What's funny was I used to not like them because of their debut song, No More Dream. Lol because I felt like they were mocking me. In 2013, I was a first year pharmacy student and I was quite lost and sad and mildly depressed because I contemplated a lot about my dream, passion and ambition then. But now, their songs give me strength. Thank you BTS if you ever read this lol.
• Love rock band music and slow acoustic songs. But I do listen to any sort of genres. Well it depends on my mood.
• I love scary movies. Not that I am brave but I guess I like the adrenaline rush and it is a good excuse to scream loudly. The only reason why I go to cinema actually.
• Love to write letter and receiving it. Because I think it's very private and personal. A snail mail is a YESSSS! (this would be one of ways to court me and don't confess through facebook pls if you don't want me to read it five years after hah legit true story. Sorry dude. )Oh, and time-capsule letters too so I could always laugh at my younger self.
• I love late night drive around city, watching lights. It was one form of healing for me. (and a perfect date as long as it is shariah compliance).
• A reader. Books, fanfictions, manga, poems, classics. I love it all. Most recently read: The Book of Lossby Julith Jedamus.
"How luxuriantly one's fears grow in the dark! Exposed to the sun they wither and recede, but at night they are rampant."
• Soulmates and parallel world theory intrigued me. It is a bittersweet concept. Isn't it?
• A drama watcher. (mydramalist)
• A fan of Kimi ni Todoke. It was such a cute story awww my heart.
• My guilty pleasure includes skincare and cosmetics. I kinda like buying these things because Idk, I just like them. (lowkey want to be a formulator hihihi)
• A coffee drinker. Used to drink for survival but I guess it became habit now. My favourite is Caramel Macchiato. I don't drink my coffee black.
• A cat person. I love my cats but why we are always in the love-hate relationship idk pls help.
• No matter how hard I try, crossing road is very scary for me. I thought when I got my driving license it's going to be better, but naaaaaaah I forever need someone to cross the road with me. Help me by taking my hand and escort me pls.
• I may look calm all the time but I killed you many times in my mind. lol
• I like green colour the most. If you paid attention, my clothes are usually in green.
•I like to learn language. I speak Malay, English and imperfect and basic Mandarin and Korean.
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