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short intro
A taciturn female with Peterpan complex.
Still failing at life but YOLO.
爱 books, fanfiction, shoujo manga, drama, band music, acoustic songs, FT Island and cats.
yosh,よろしく ᶘ ᵒᴥᵒᶅ

the past

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Miichiko. Thanks to Pixel-diary for the cute pixels and icons.

Wednesday, June 07, 2017 | 0 comments
I have this kind of worry these days.
I wonder what it feels like when you were driven by passion instead of driven by fear?
Would you be a little bit happier and easier?

I thought I started this because of my passion but eventually I was afraid. Afraid of everything. 
Of failure, of not knowing, of lack of knowledge, of lack of skills.
I was scared from the beginning and I am still scared when it's almost over.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be doing this. Because I am not good. 
Maybe I better off doing something else, I thought.
But what else I can do? I've been doing this for such a long time, but I am still no good.
I've lose confidence. I am ashamed because my grades doesn't really reflect my knowledge.
I've got those grades because I was motivated by fear.
To be honest, I don't want to end up like this.

I want to do this so I could be a little bit of help to other. 
I want to be motivated by passion. but I don't know where to start. I lost my way. and I am afraid.

I wanna hold your hand and go to the other side of the earth.
Thursday, June 01, 2017 | 0 comments

Guess who’s finally get her first passport?

the world with two moons
Monday, May 08, 2017 | 0 comments
"What do I need to know about you at this point? Tengo asked.
"What do you know about me?" Aomame asked in return.
"Almost nothing," Tengo said.
"I know almost nothing about you, too," Aomame said.
..... "Don't worry. We're on the same side."
- 1Q84, Haruki Murakami.

You know that kind of emptiness feelings when you finally finished reading a book?
You just stared blankly for a good few minutes, tried to absorb everything.
Well, I finished 1Q84, like finally.

I like the idea of parallel worlds and soulmates.

it hurts because it's youth.
Friday, February 10, 2017 | 0 comments
I might have been too focused on myself sometimes I forget everyone around me might also be struggling on their own. I don't know if they ever read this but no matter where you guys are and what you do, I hope God will protect you guys. Be strong and remember I love you even though I might not show it. 

So, what did I even do suddenly I am 25 this year. my youth that rapidly fleeting away and it scares me (I need to go to Neverland so where are you Peter Pan). The concept of time, occasionally baffled me. when you try so hard to live day by day and at some point you realized you are old. time flies so fast I don't even remember what significant things that happened this past few years and it's freaking me out. Well yknow, youth supposed to be the things we were gonna remembered for the rest of our life but to think that I did not do much, really scares me. 

Is this the effect those bangtan sonyeondan guys rubbed on me? they always talk about that hwayang yeonhwa concept, of the most beautiful moments in life and you pondered whether you had ever reach that hwayang yeonhwa of your own? I wrecked my brain and I found some pieces that might be fews of my hwayang yeonhwa. but is it enough? I pondered some more.

when I was a child, I thought I am special and I could change the world and my existence is important and I was born to do something impactful but as I grew older and those confidence seems to be buried and I realized what an ordinary and uninteresting person I am. Following the flows, we had lost our uniqueness and individuality because we need to be something that society approved. At times you tried to rebel because you wanted to stay true to who you are, you know now matter how you hard you try to be those ideal person the society wanted you to be, it is not you- it's just a mask you put so you could survived.

In my case I always battled with my introverted self because how much the society treasures extrovert. I tried many things, in hope that I can magically change into an extrovert but of course it's never easy. Because introvert is my nature and I cannot change it. I came to accept myself but I'm still trying my best. I hope one day the society realizes that being an introvert is not a weakness and these people had their own strengths too. Introverts are needed just as much as extroverts. 

Well just because I am not good in talking doesn't mean I am a failure (yeah I am so bitter over this matter-people look down on me just for this. You know the typical complains of higher cgpa students cannot performed bla bla bla...) 
I just want to say one thing: 너나 잘해.

there's so many things I want to express and I should take this chances to write everything. after all I don't really update here frequently and I want to archive my thoughts at this moment.

cue bgm:

Maybe I can never fly, like those flower petals there.
Wings, like other things are impossible.
Maybe I can't touch the sky, but even so I want to stretch out my hand,
I want to try to run, just a little more ♪ ♫

This is the first post of 2017. 
One semester left before I graduated in Bachelor of Pharmacy and what will happen after graduation with all those PRP placement, interview, housemanship and bla..bla...I will put the worries aside first. I will worry about it when the time comes. I really wanted to focus on my last semester. the last semester as bachelor student. wow. 

I tried looking if there are chances for me to pursue master degree and it's not that I really put my mind to pursue but I just want to look out for other path that I might taken. Sir Fauzi asked if students are interested to pursue master in clinical pharmacy and later will serve as lecturers. well I rejected that offer. First of all, I never imagined myself as a lecturer. Second, I do not want to pursue master in pharmacy. NEVER. 

I thought maybe it's about time I pursue my true dream if I wanted to do master. I don't know if I ever talked to someone about my dream. I wanted to study psychology. I repeat, I really really really wanted to study Psychology. heck I even willing to study for diploma (it took me 3 years) because I thought I wanted to pursue degree in psychology when I could do foundation or matrik (for one year). but fate played me- upu rejected my application to study psychology and I had to wait for another year if I want to stick with my original plan. I decided I cannot wait anymore ( I should have waited, damn you lulu) and therefore here I am studying pharmacy.

yeah that's another path that I might taken in the future - master degree in psychology. 
but of course my first choice would always be working. yeah work work work, I need money. As the eldest I have the responsibility of being a bread winner for my family. my father is a retiree now.

okay, that's the serious part of my thoughts these days. now move on to the not-so-important parts.

I am on my semester break right now. It is the last semester break and I thought I wanted to go for graduation trip but I don't have that luxury. but I should put it in my wishing list for this 2017- to go for a trip that involves flight. I am 25 and I never been on flight. yeah cry for me. though I am more to couch potato kind of people, I decided I need to go somewhere, anywhere this year on flight.

quite envious with people who went somewhere on this break. but at least I have those bangtan sonyeondan guys to accompany me. they are my motivation to stay awake this holiday. I am seriously falling in love haaaaaah~ although they kept reminding me of how old I am (no it's not them, it was me who had the sudden realization at times). all these young boys, how can someone not loving them. min yoongi min suga yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah noona love youuuuuu hearteu hearteu ♥♥

and their songs are very good I cry all days. I really like how most of their songs inspired me to work hard while living, yknow with the youth concepts and all and their love songs are cute. I don't need boyfriend let me pour all my loves to these boys hahah (forced laugh).

and after all those chaos of completing final year project, community and industry attachments last year, finally I could relax quite a bit and continue reading Murakami's 1Q84. I started this book (it is a trilogy in one book) on 2015 and I could only resumed it at the end of 2016. Imagined how busy I was last year and yet I couldn't really remembered anything. so this year I started a project where I wrote down all the good significant things happened to me so by the end of this year I will be reminded of the things I did throughout the year. 

I think 2017 is going to be a good year for me (hopefully). 
quite a few good things happened- I lost a few kgs yayyyyyy though not much but I could fit all my old clothes and it is such a wonderful feelings yknow (cry a river).

We got new kittens so our home is quite joyful right now (and in chaotic mode because they all are naughty kittens hahahah they even chewed my earphone but still so lovable and precious).

I passed the Qualifying Exam for Practicing Pharmacy and I had an interview with Lembaga Farmasi with a few other students of my batch in the beginning of the year and I was complimented for having a mature thinking (although I beg to differ. me, mature? pfttttt). 
and heyyy, it's FT Island's 10th anniversary soon - time flies so fast, I was 15 when I first knew them.

and....I think I need to stop. I was distracted by BTS's Spring Day MV teaser. min sugaaaaaaaaa urghhh looks so cute while brushing teeth. Tell you what, min suga is my animal spirit except I don't have his continuous sassiness and good look. but yeahhh I love this kid. 

because I need a constant reminder to maintain my motivation momentum. spot min suga in there.

let's all hope for a good year this year. byeeeee.

knock knock
Thursday, June 16, 2016 | 0 comments
Hello? (wipes all the dust that had accumulated.)

It's been so long and I am here to report this week will be the final week of lecture for the third year and this Friday, there will be poster presentation for my final year project. wish me luck. 

wehooooo, the draft for le poster.

Thesis almost done, fortunately. I would like to give the greatest thanks to my supervisor for the constant reminders to start writing the thesis. Without all the fears and worries, I may still be procrastinating till the dateline. hah.

Final exam starts next week on Thursday and not ounce of preparation has been done yet. I am so doomed but I'll survive this. 

"The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it is possible."
- Alice Through The Looking Glass.

Third year is almost done. Looking forward to the clinical year (read: 4th and last).

Chamomilla recutita...what?
Friday, December 25, 2015 | 0 comments
shot right through my heart and soul.

what I feel while studying cognosy.
all those chemical structure, they are very lot to know. the name of those compounds, their structures themselves, the common name of plants, their scientific names, the clinical uses.

yet I don't make enough effort to know them better, when all these are actually important, well maybe not now but in future.

it's the first paper for this semester. it's killing me slowly but I am still strong. I still have time. let's do the best, self.

when so many people put their trust and hope in you, why it is still very hard to believe in yourself?

break a leg, lulu.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015 | 0 comments
I think my mentality and my skin just reach its puberty. There were some times I acted too childish. I feel like rebelling these past few days. And when the harm was done, guilty strucked me but my pride is too big, I don't want to ask for forgiveness. but damn it's not my fault to begin with. But I did make things worse by behaving that way. Still....

and damn this acnes and pimples. y u no came out when I was a teen, at least I have puberty reason. now I look awkward with all these adult acnes.

on the bright side, hey I'm enjoying this korean drama; Bubblegum. Usually there are few reasons why I watch a drama.
and this drama has everything I like. For now, I think it is interesting. Lee Dongwook is to die for because he looks so cute and his character is very sweet. And I like Jung ryeowon's outfits, damn she's pretty. Their chemistry is very good (thumbs up) and I like the environment of this drama, I think it's lively and beautiful.

I was laughing the whole time watching Dongwook and his sugar-filled sweetness I could be diabetic Type 2 for him.

life is very sweet in the middle of the storm. heh.
need to write my literature review. and all other things need to be done. gulp.

semester break in summary
Friday, August 14, 2015 | 0 comments
I watched this Taiwan drama called Murphy's Law of Love as a way to improve my mandarin and preparing for the next semester mandarin class (it is an excuse). I guess I miss the feelings of watching a drama full of cheesiness. hahaha it's cheesy but it's okay since it's cute. afterall I need some cheesiness in my very dull life right now. lol.

semester break is almost over... and I need to be prepared to welcome third year as openly as I can because it is going to be hardest year. well, that's the kinda thing I heard from others. They said if you can go through the third year, then no worries, you are safe to graduate.

O god, give me strength that I think I never have so I can safely go through every obstacles. please.

and what I've done this semester break? heh not much really. because my definition of holiday means getting comfy at home. I don't really like going out. mostly I am hibernating indoor. wear pajama and drama marathon all day, without caring how horrid I looked. best feelings ever!

went for one-day-food-hunting trip to Penang with elfs. good food bring out the happy me. fetched qilah from airport the next day. went to Dip n Dip with elfs and straight to Putrajaya to rollerskate for the first time. pfttttt very noob weih.  karaoke-ing few times with my permanent partner of crime; fazi. went to Sweet Tree for korean food with meg and fazi. the place is too cozy I feel like sleeping there.

and alsoooo welcoming my newborn nephew, Noah Miqael. awwww Tiyuy is very happy to see you.

well I'm with people that I like so I am very content. that's the thing that matter the most.

goodbye for now.

oh please god hear me
Thursday, March 26, 2015 | 1 comments
"o please god hear me
I can't do anything"

I love how FT Island's song is always close to my heart. 
how time flies, you guys had been with me since I was like 15. only after such a long time you all get the permission to do album just the way you wanted it to be. 
Imma proud primadonna.  'pray' is perfect. so perfect I'm gonna cry.
well done boys.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015 | 0 comments
people talked about this drama more than enough on tumblr, so I was intrigued to see what's so 'in' about this drama.

so I watched. and now I'm with the rest. 

yappari! (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑

it's good enough that I want to watch it on marathon. and I don't usually do that these days. got no will anymore. there's so many drama I had abandoned. heh.

ji changwook, you so fine. 
you gave whole new meaning to the word 'stalker'. though it might be soooo creepy in real life.
but wth, because it is drama, so everything is fine. so cute.