Dream, though your beginnings might be humble, may the end be prosperous.
short intro
Amalina, otherwise known asLulu. A female with Peterpan complex.
Still failing at life but YOLO.
(爱) books, fanfictions, shoujo manga, drama, band music, acoustic songs, FTISLAND, BTS, ideas of soulmate and parallel universe & cats.
yosh,よろしく ᶘ ᵒᴥᵒᶅ
the past
Arigatou
Template was made by Miichiko.
Thanks to Pixel-diary for the cute pixels and icons. Lyric Quotes: Agust D, So Far Away.
This blog will turn 10 in few months. 10 years. Wow.
I wrote but I never intended to reach out for people. I was writing usually and mostly for myself.
It was one of a good platform to express myself. I could never do that on instagram or twitter; everything was phony there.
But here, since it would take a little bit of effort for people to reach here (well, who else did blogging these days), I find it very comfortable to write anything like I could talk about my fears, worries, complaints, dreams etc.
I like how I could look back and find out what's the younger me was thinking (tho it was cringey most of the time). It's a time capsule, metaphorically.
Well.
Lately I was feeling old. I don't usually felt this way because I am always young at heart.
Maybe because I am nearer to 30 than my 20. You get what I mean? If we round off 26, we get 30. Like hell, I should be a responsible adult at this age but I am nowhere near adulting right now. Most of my friends had already settled down. They have stable career, starting their own family and all and I am still here, not much changes since the time I left high school. Although I know we all lead a different life but still I can't help comparing our lives. The only thing I could reassure myself is that my life is barely starting yet. It will get better.
First month of 2018 passed by easily like that. I didn't do much and most of the times I felt empty. Like I was made of hollow shell and there's no soul inside. There's no excitement. Sometimes I felt like maybe it was my fault. Maybe I made a wrong choice, maybe I should just proceed with the placement because people are kept telling me that I did wrong and until one time, I, myself felt like I was wrong. Tho I was quite firm on my decision at first.
But I was done playing safe. I did for all these years. For once I want to stick with my decision, I wanted to try at least so I won't be drowning myself with 'what if' later on. This is my life, I wanted to walk my own path, I know all of these people are much more experienced in life but I really want to try to live my life my own way. I want to dream big. I don't want to compromise anymore.
" I must leave. Not to find my way,
but to hold myself back a moment
from continuing down the wrong one."
Blonote, 2016
I still don't know what will happen in near future. I just hope I retain my sanity and find happiness along the way.
(solanin)
// additional story:
Last time I went to Kinokuniya for new books. I met A. Samad Said, which is the well-respected poet and novelist in Malaysia. He was beside me when I was still browsing. It was usually very difficult for me to recognize people but he is one of a kind, he has distinct style and you can recognize him straight away. I wanted to say hello but I was kinda shy and I don't want to interrupt his personal space. And if I did say hello, I don't know what should I talk. Like, "Hello. I am your fan." I would be lying because I don't really read his work. I think if I do say hello, I might started like this;
'He saw a dead crow in a drain near the post office....'
Because that's the only work of him that I know and I still remembered because we had to memorize that poem in secondary school. But I know he is a great man in his field. I like this one quote from him which roughly translates to;
"If you want to be a writer,
first, you need to read,
second, you need to read,
third, read
fourth, read
and fifth, you write."
Maybe I should read some of his work in the future.
This blog will turn 10 in few months. 10 years. Wow.
I wrote but I never intended to reach out for people. I was writing usually and mostly for myself.
It was one of a good platform to express myself. I could never do that on instagram or twitter; everything was phony there.
But here, since it would take a little bit of effort for people to reach here (well, who else did blogging these days), I find it very comfortable to write anything like I could talk about my fears, worries, complaints, dreams etc.
I like how I could look back and find out what's the younger me was thinking (tho it was cringey most of the time). It's a time capsule, metaphorically.
Well.
Lately I was feeling old. I don't usually felt this way because I am always young at heart.
Maybe because I am nearer to 30 than my 20. You get what I mean? If we round off 26, we get 30. Like hell, I should be a responsible adult at this age but I am nowhere near adulting right now. Most of my friends had already settled down. They have stable career, starting their own family and all and I am still here, not much changes since the time I left high school. Although I know we all lead a different life but still I can't help comparing our lives. The only thing I could reassure myself is that my life is barely starting yet. It will get better.
First month of 2018 passed by easily like that. I didn't do much and most of the times I felt empty. Like I was made of hollow shell and there's no soul inside. There's no excitement. Sometimes I felt like maybe it was my fault. Maybe I made a wrong choice, maybe I should just proceed with the placement because people are kept telling me that I did wrong and until one time, I, myself felt like I was wrong. Tho I was quite firm on my decision at first.
But I was done playing safe. I did for all these years. For once I want to stick with my decision, I wanted to try at least so I won't be drowning myself with 'what if' later on. This is my life, I wanted to walk my own path, I know all of these people are much more experienced in life but I really want to try to live my life my own way. I want to dream big. I don't want to compromise anymore.
" I must leave. Not to find my way,
but to hold myself back a moment
from continuing down the wrong one."
Blonote, 2016
I still don't know what will happen in near future. I just hope I retain my sanity and find happiness along the way.
(solanin)
// additional story:
Last time I went to Kinokuniya for new books. I met A. Samad Said, which is the well-respected poet and novelist in Malaysia. He was beside me when I was still browsing. It was usually very difficult for me to recognize people but he is one of a kind, he has distinct style and you can recognize him straight away. I wanted to say hello but I was kinda shy and I don't want to interrupt his personal space. And if I did say hello, I don't know what should I talk. Like, "Hello. I am your fan." I would be lying because I don't really read his work. I think if I do say hello, I might started like this;
'He saw a dead crow in a drain near the post office....'
Because that's the only work of him that I know and I still remembered because we had to memorize that poem in secondary school. But I know he is a great man in his field. I like this one quote from him which roughly translates to;
"If you want to be a writer,
first, you need to read,
second, you need to read,
third, read
fourth, read
and fifth, you write."
Maybe I should read some of his work in the future.
• Born in 1992. Live in KL, Malaysia for all my life yet.
• The name Amalina came from Arabic word which means hope. The actual epitome of "I am your hope, I am your angel." (lol hobi)
• My nickname Lulu came from a cartoon that I used to like called The Little Lulu Show. And it was partly because there're so many people with the same name in my class back then, so we all came with some sort of nicknames. and I stuck with the name Lulu till very now.
• My internet pseudonym is lulumichin.
• I was a twin but my twin brother died before we were born. I am the eldest but not the first child. I had an older brother but he died early.
• I am neither a good or bad person. I might be a good to some and bad to another. But whatever.
•When I don't smile, I have resting bitch face. I tried my best to be smiley every time.
• I have one sided cheek dimple and also chin dimple (or butt chin).
• Tbh, I am usually kind and I try to think good about people. It is just I am shy towards stranger. But don't make me hate you, I'll hate you forever.
• Myers-Briggs type: INFP
• I don't talk much. A person close to me once said this; "We are okay because we knew you, but what do you do with people who don't?" I used to think a lot but these days I don't care anymore. Those who matter didn't mind, those who mind didn't matter (Dr Seuss).
• A clumsy realist. A walking irony. An introvert.
• I love FT ISLAND and my favourite is the bassist, Jaejin. These days I am a laid back fan (and old). I like their songs, they are awesome. They accompany me in most of my life. They are like an old friend, so comfortable, feel like home.
• BTS stan. What's funny was I used to not like them because of their debut song, No More Dream. Lol because I felt like they were mocking me. In 2013, I was a first year pharmacy student and I was quite lost and sad and mildly depressed because I contemplated a lot about my dream, passion and ambition then. But now, their songs give me strength. Thank you BTS if you ever read this lol.
• Love rock band music and slow acoustic songs. But I do listen to any sort of genres. Well it depends on my mood.
• I love scary movies. Not that I am brave but I guess I like the adrenaline rush and it is a good excuse to scream loudly. The only reason why I go to cinema actually.
• Love to write letter and receiving it. Because I think it's very private and personal. A snail mail is a YESSSS! (this would be one of ways to court me and don't confess through facebook pls if you don't want me to read it five years after hah legit true story. Sorry dude. )Oh, and time-capsule letters too so I could always laugh at my younger self.
• I love late night drive around city, watching lights. It was one form of healing for me. (and a perfect date as long as it is shariah compliance).
• A reader. Books, fanfictions, manga, poems, classics. I love it all. Most recently read: The Book of Lossby Julith Jedamus.
"How luxuriantly one's fears grow in the dark! Exposed to the sun they wither and recede, but at night they are rampant."
• Soulmates and parallel world theory intrigued me. It is a bittersweet concept. Isn't it?
• A drama watcher. (mydramalist)
• A fan of Kimi ni Todoke. It was such a cute story awww my heart.
• My guilty pleasure includes skincare and cosmetics. I kinda like buying these things because Idk, I just like them. (lowkey want to be a formulator hihihi)
• A coffee drinker. Used to drink for survival but I guess it became habit now. My favourite is Caramel Macchiato. I don't drink my coffee black.
• A cat person. I love my cats but why we are always in the love-hate relationship idk pls help.
• No matter how hard I try, crossing road is very scary for me. I thought when I got my driving license it's going to be better, but naaaaaaah I forever need someone to cross the road with me. Help me by taking my hand and escort me pls.
• I may look calm all the time but I killed you many times in my mind. lol
• I like green colour the most. If you paid attention, my clothes are usually in green.
•I like to learn language. I speak Malay, English and imperfect and basic Mandarin and Korean.
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